Passage

The Bertrams by Anthony Trollope

"What was this that he had said to her?  He would not marry because he had his mother and sisters to support.  Would not she have helped to support them?  Would not she have thrown in her lot with his for better or for worse, let that lot have been ever so poor?  And could it be possible that he had known this  had not read her heart as she had read his?  Could it be that he had come there day after day, looking ot her for love, and sympathy, and kindness - that sort of kindness which a man demands from no on but her he loves, and which no one can give him unless she loves him?  Could it be that he had done this and then thought that it had all meant nothing?  that the interchange of such feelings had no further signification?"

"Money! Had she asked about his money in those days when his father still lived, when there was no question of this living belonging to him?  She would have waited for him years had years been necessary, even though they should be counted by tens and tens.  Nay, she would have been contented to wait, even though that waiting should never have been rewarded, had he given her hte privilege of regarding herself as his.   Money!  She would have been contented to live on potato-parings could he have been to live with her on potatoes."

session

4/24/06 session with therapist

So she asked me what do I find so wrong about telling a guy that I like him? Like what is wrong with the act.  I found it shocking, for it never occurred to me that it would be a natural thing to do.  I mean for me, whenever I start liking a guy, I would find every way to repress it or not show it, or show the opposite.  Thus, I am extra mean to them.  But my emotions are also governed by them.  And for that, I hate them, and I hate myself for losing control over my own emotions.  Then does my whole problem become a problem of control and power?

She then asked me what do I expect from guys when I “flirt” with them by saying those things, even sexually charged thing, such as “will you sleep with me”.  First of all, I was shocked when she referred to it as flirting.  Second of all, to me it is all teasing, and I have no intent of actually sleeping with any of these men.  I cannot even imagine touching them, or any guys.  I was once again shocked.  I do not expect anything.  I just thought it was all in fun and games.  But I mean I never say these things to the guy I actually like, only to men that I do not care for, or only to male friends from which I have no expectations.  And why is it that I expect so much more from the men that I do like? Why am I so affected by their every word, every action? 

Then I told her how physical intimacy scares me, and how I cannot stand it when my parents show signs of physical intimacy.  I remember when I was sleeping in the other room, and I hear laughing coming from my parents room, I would be so afraid they would be doing it, so I have to mutter to myself to drown out the noise.  Or I would go to pee so as to show them that I am still awake.  Once, I found some condoms in their drawers, and I thought they were pretty balloons, but later I realized they were condoms, and I was shocked.  I never took sex education; I never talked to my parents about sex.  It is a forbidden subject. 

Moreover, I cannot stand it when on television, the man is professing his interest or love for the girl.  I physically cannot stand it, and I must turn away.  Or if cannot turn away, I would distract myself with random thoughts.

And I realize I only touch women lovingly, as in hugs or embraces.  I never touch men.  I never even embrace my father. 

I told her about how I cried when my friend’s friend said I have a façade of meanness. 

I told her about my bubble theory and my No Notes and I was laughing when I told her these things.  But she said I say these things in such a lighthearted manner, but they are indicative of bigger issues.  Why do I laugh these things off?  Moreover, why do I joke around with the men I do not like.  My friend says it is because it is sort of like a relationship; I can only say these things to men I do not like for I cannot say these things to men that I do.   My other friend says it is because I am lonely, so they are signs indicative of my loneliness.  Have I begun to be more “flirtatious” after the whole Betty incident?  I do not know.   Do I expect anything when I say these things?  Perhaps a reply that in favor of my attractiveness, or solidifies it?  I do not know.   Am I sexually repressed being?  Is that why physical intimacy scares me?

I do not know; is there something wrong with me?

On the Road to Recovery

Diary Entry 4/22/2006 9:48 AM

So on Thursday I went to dinner with my roommate, and I told her about the recent happenings in my life.  And during a brief moment while I was describing my angst, tears came to my eyes.  And I guess I am still emotional, still sad over this whole thing.  She said, “don’t you want to get back at him?”  Later that night I thought about it, how do I get back at him?  I mean technically I cannot really get back at him with either getting sued or jailed…haha.   Anyhow, there was a time, about a month ago when I got so mad one night and I thought about how I can hurt him, either emotionally or physically.  But that feeling passed.

But how can I want to intentionally hurt someone whom I once cared so much more?  I mean what would that bring but more misunderstanding, and more hurt.  Would hurting him make me feel better?  No…perhaps I would feel good for a moment, but then later…I would reflect and realize what mistake that would be.  At least now, I can say I have been mature.  I have not yelled at him, screamed at him.  I have not cried in front of him and or accused him of causing me this much pain and hurt.  I have not blamed him for anything. I have done everything I can to be there for him, to be his friend, to be understanding.  And when that fell through, I retreat away, to get away.   So even if it is hurt and pain that I feel, at least I can say that I did not cause him hurt and pain, at least I can say I have been mature this time. 

Today is Saturday.  Thursday night at 10:30PM, I was talking on the phone with my dad and my call waiting beeped, so I looked down on my phone and yes…it was the dreaded number that I used to be delighted to see on my phone.   Thursday night I rearranged my room to erase certain memories, and the new arrangement would serve as a new beginning.  Is it not kind of sad that he has to call that night?  But at the moment his number flashed, I merely looked at it and went back talking to my father.   I did not call him back that night.

My friend asked me, “but are you not at all curious as to why he called?”   To say “No” is to lie, for I am interested.  But not interested enough to call back.  And this time it is not a pride thing, nor a matter of playing games.  I just do not feel it would be the right thing to do because what do I say?   Pretend I was not miserable for the past two months, pretend that I still care for his happiness while at times I have wished for his demise?  Pretend that I am completely fine, that I have not cried for him?  That I have not hid from my sight everything that reminds me of him?  That I have not deleted certain songs on my playlist because they remind me of him?  Pretend that I have not gone to a counselor?  No, I am not that type of girl and I cannot hide my emotions.

 I do not know why he called.  But I am so scared of what kind of effect his words and his voice would have on me.  Thus, I refused to pick up and refused to call back.   I have finally been able to find a new comfort zone that does not include him, and I am afraid to have him disturb again. 

Yet, I find myself checking my phone for a few hours after that.  This is just like last semester; all I do is wait wait wait.  But NO! A YEAR and A HALF of waiting is enough! Why am I such a pathetic loser!  Why Why Why does he have this kind of control over me?  When I was talking to my mother on the phone, she said yes, you always seemed strong, hardly ever cried.  Who would have guessed that this same girl cried every day for a week for this one man?  Why is it that all girls turn into spineless putty when it comes to men?  

His one phone call upset my comfort zone. It is not his fault; it is my inability to cope with this.  I do not want to pick up; moreover I cannot pick up, for I am sure I will shout insults and accusations, or just cry uncontrollably, for this is a man that caused me pain! I just cannot allow this one disturbance to take away all that I have done to get past this.  And perhaps yes, I would like it if he begged me to pick up, but that is not going to happen…and in some sense that is better, because at least I will not be tempted…

On the Road to Recovery

Diary Entry 4/19/2006 9:48 PM

I am a little annoyed.  Did not get internship because during the interview, I was not really focused. 

Great song.. by A-mei called Bu Yao Luan Shuo….don’t say stupid things

Leaving you, I am really a little lonely but I am not sad at all

Any decision is nobody’s fault

But you are an unfixable and helpless mistake

Leaving you is not a show

I just wanted a little comfort and yet you complain it is too much

No one can predetermine the results

But please leave a leeway for everyone to go

Thank you for letting me see the world’s coldness

Love this love that… the door is right behind you

If you don’t know, then don’t say anything

You have already made too many big mistakes

If you don’t know, then don’t say

I want to fly

If you don’t know, then hold your silence

You always suddenly leave and then suddenly come back

Let us just let this be a mistake

My bad nightmare

If you don’t know, then don’t say anything

You don’t know

You don’t know

You always suddenly leave and then suddenly come back

Let us just let this be a mistake

I want to leave this nightmare

Diary 4/18/200 11:11PM

Today I ran into some people on sproul.  They were two guys trying to get people to join a peace group.  I listened and they asked me what I think happiness is and whether I am happy.  I said happiness to me is to be content, to have your heart content.  And I said, “Yes, I am happy.  I am very happy.”  And at that very moment, I was happy. 

I managed  to clean my restroom and kitchen floors today.  I have neglected house chores for quite a while because I can’t manage to stay in my apt.  When I was cleaning, itunes shuffled to a song I used to love; a song I used to listen to so it can remind me of him when he disappeared suddenly and when all I had to comfort me were memories of him.   But today, I refrained from running to my computer to switch it.

Tonight I went to get boba.  As I walked on the streets that I used to walk on when he was still around, I thought to myself, “wow, this person is really gone.”  And I suppose I did feel a certain type of loneliness.  But I did not feel my heart cower with fear at the thought of loneliness.  Then my friend said, “look, the sky is clear.  We can see the stars.”  And I looked up and I saw the stars.  And that was enough.  To be able to walk and look up and see the stars. 

Although sometimes I still get lonely, but what I realized is that even when he was in my life, I was lonely.  Now I realize that I was miserable until he called upon me and I would fret and cannot focus when he did not, and I would wait and sit by the phone.  And when he called, it was as if the world is peaceful again.  I realized the first time I cut a boy out of my life (a diff boy but one who did not deserve it…and I regret to this day), it was precisely because I hated to have my emotions  be governed by him.  I was naïve back then, but my childishness allowed me to have a spine, albeit a stupid spine.  I picked my own control over my emotions over a boy back then.  But last semester, I picked a boy over myself and I allowed my emotions to be governed by him.  So perhaps I was less naïve, less childish with this second person, but what I lost was a spine.   Now I have to find the pieces of my spine and regain it day by day.   I allowed my emotions to be governed by someone else.  I allowed my entire being to be governed by someone else.  And perhaps it was love, but it was stupid.  Love should not be stupid. 

Now I give up this person. But I no longer sit by the phone or wait for him.  To wait is in it of itself a type of loneliness because it means that the person you are waiting for is not there next to you.  And although sometimes I still check my phone, but it is definitely less than before.